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Ellie's Castle of DreamsThe depths of a woman's heart and her need for passion to see her through to her destiny September 06 A quick view of who Ellie is todayI heard a song yesterday by Martina McBride called "anyway" and as I listened tears came. I wanted to dub that song over this video but I am still new at this as you can see by my editing etc. The words are "You can spend your whole life buildin' Somethin' from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway You can chase a dream That seems so out of reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway [chorus] God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't alway turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway I do it anyway This worlds gone crazy and it's hard to beleive That tomorrow will be better than today Beleive it anyway You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons An in a moment they can choose to walk away love 'em anyway" This video I created has a hint of people who have walked away and some who have stayed. The song was already on my computer and it seem to fit as well. It is about the pain a young girl endured and through her brokeness she says no more. At times I abandoned my own values and caused my own pain. Many other times I was felt abandoned. Despite all the pain our hearts survive ... our love survives! There are those who chose to walk away that believe that I am against them ... hate them even despte how many times I say it is not true! If there were ever a reason to cause hate in me some of them have sure given me plenty ... but to be honest with you ... I chose to love them anyway! I journaled my thoughts and the heart of a mother on May 8, 2005 It's mother's day today and My anger towards the injustice rises but I manage to set aside the injustice by saying to myself this is between God and them. Leave it there I say to myself. So I do. I think of my two beautiful daughters that someday will be mommy's and have children of their own. I think of my son who will bear the responsibility of a father and husband some day. Am I not the molder of their precious character? Will I not have to answer to who these children become to a loving but just God? So I guess on this mothers day I write words that may never be read or even when shared may not be understood for years to come but I write them in order to strengthen the integrity and values of three children. Stephanie, Brandon and Nicole. Dear Stephanie, Brandon and Nicole, I say with love and with care having children will change your life. If you girls were all grown and I was giving you advise on being a mother I would say that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal but becoming a mother will leave you with an emotional wound so raw that you will forever be vulnerable. The funny thing is your not grown and you have yet to understand what lies ahead. You do not know what it is like to get in a car for the first time and realize you can put the key in the ignition and drive off. Relying on no one to take you some place. You don't know what it means to think and be able to act independently. If you were a woman you may think of the obvious changes like less sleep, less spontaneity in your life and maybe even less getaways. When you're a mommy suddenly newspapers and the news take hold of your chest and your feelings of security and you wonder what if that was my child on the news. Every bad story that makes the headlines feeds the overwhelming fears of a mother for her children. When she sees pain and suffering, children of abuse and even homelessness and poor nutrition she sees her children's faces and knows she cannot turn away. She has to do something. When I could afford carefully manicured nails and stylish suits I knew no matter how sophisticated I looked becoming a mother will reduce me to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. I want you children to know that no matter how many years you invest in you career as a mother you will be professionally derailed by motherhood. No matter how many arrangements made for the children, daycare and such one-day you will go into a business meeting and every ounce of discipline will be needed to keep from running home just to make sure your children are all right. Every day decisions will no longer be routine. Like a five year old little boy who no longer wants to go in to the women's bathroom but rather he wants to go into the mans. Suddenly going shopping for a few things becomes a major dilemma. Right there and right then, in the midst of shoppers and store clerks, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be in the bathroom. That no matter how decisive she is, how well she does and performs at the office she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Especially when she is married to a man who takes no effort in helping or even trying to understand her or meet any of her needs. I wish I could give understanding to my children that when I look back at my young attractive pictures before I had any of them. I want to assure them that eventually I will have shed the pounds of pregnancy, and illness but I will never feel the same about myself. That my life, in those pictures, which seemed at the time, was of such importance would be of less value to me once I had my first child. That I would give it up in a moment to save them . to protect them but at the same time when fighting for my life with cancer I cried out to God for more time. not to accomplish my dreams but to watch my children accomplish theirs. Brandon forever I bear the mark of your birth and your life. You were the only one that I got one little stretch mark on my tummy. That mark became a badge of honor not a flaw as some would see it. Some day when my daughters get married with no doubt the relationship will change as it progresses. But not always in the way she thinks. I wish for my daughters a man that they can love even more because he was careful to powder the baby or a man who never hesitates to play with his child. I pray for the opportunities to come to her that she may fall in love with him all over again because of these reasons and not the romantic fantasies she in young years deemed important. I pray she have a helper and lover. I pray that as my children grow they will see what we all lacked and what we were up against. Not to wallow in it but to know simply the truth. I hope my children will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but come temporarily unglued when I hear a fathers excuses for neglect and selfishness that threaten my children's character and understanding between right and wrong. I want my children to understand even the difficult things that happen around them must be seen and dealt with and called what it is. But in the midst of all this truth I want them to decide to love, forgive and live with integrity any ways. I want them to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts and in the witness of their Mommy's life I know they see for the first time that type of joy. I want them to ache for it and yes I even want them to identify the differences between their homes. their dwelling places. What makes these homes and how do they feel really? It is because of these truths I stopped defending myself and started letting them come to their own conclusions. I want my children to know that being a mom is a blessed gift from God and I have stumbled my way into the most wonderful of callings . I hope some day my children will identify and come to know the strength of this mommy and wars that she has fought. That they will some day know and reflect on God gave me them small and helpless. To my uneasiness there were no instructions ..only choices. I sang for them even though my voice was incredibly out of tune. I gave them beautiful words even when the words that were given to me were ugly and mean. I taught you how to pray knowing I could not meet all your needs. I stood firmly in a stance of protection even when you resented me for it and your father mocked me. I gave you the gift of the knowledge of Jesus because I know he'll be there for you when I cannot. At this moment in the midst of this mothers day wound... heaven looks deep into my heart and the voices around me fade and I hear a God who love me and calls me his brave heart and I know being a mom means being brave yet never getting a parade to acknowledge it or a letter or badge to reveal it. I hear a God say unto me his daughter HAPPY HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! And in this quiet place of peace the importance is. I am!!!!!!! God bless you and give you what you need to choose love and forgiveness! That he will equip you to meet the needs of those who are around you but never losing yourself in the midst of it.
All my time, creativity and expressions are for spelling out to the myspace world where the true beauty of a woman is found. My creativity is meant to get your attention and yes attract you to Gods Light that is seen in a woman of God. My question is no longer am I beautiful, nor is it am I worth you fighting for me? In fact ... it is do you see God in me? I use to want to be considered sexy, beautiful and captivating but in truth when I meet the man I will marry I don't want to be the sexiest, smartest, etc. I want to know that he feels great when I am around and that he feels he can conquer the world with me standing by him. I want to be like a warm fuzzy pair of slippers. Warm, Cuddly and Comfortable! My description of a real woman is not giving the man everything he wants. Its giving him what you know he wants and needs and even he does not know it until he has you ... to show it to him. We all work against what we really want and need because we are here on this fallen earth. Yet there is nothing more convincing and more precious when you feel something you have never felt before. Why havent you felt it? Because you were unsure it even existed until I held it out to you. Now that is the power of a woman and the rest is just cheap imitation! God bless you as you try to find the beauty in yourself or in others! I pray that God help me to see through the eyes of His heart .... to see the beauty in YOU! 
I have climbed up on my Heavenly Fathers lap and cupped His face in my hands. I have cried, laughed and felt anxious about His-story as He reads the pages of My-story out loud. I have even climbed down pouting because the pain His words have caused me. I always believed my-story would read better then what it continues to read and I get frustrated and yes even a little impatient. Today I am climbing back up in His lap and I am snuggling real close. My fingers are holding onto my-stories pages and I am ready to hear again. This time there is no face but my own ... this time I am not trying to finish His sentences or completing the paragraph. This time as I turn the pages and He reads ..tears well up in my eyes and I see ... me. I see the me He created and I am filled with adoration and an overwhelming love for my Heavenly father and my heart beats harder as I abandon myself in His lap again .... and again. I look up as He continues to read and I quietly say in my mind ... daddy I love your laugh lines! I love You!! 
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Dear Jesus .. Help me hold on .. help me embrace it! June 20 To find her heart ...
Yesterday is His-story For my King this glass shoe fitsFor my King this glass shoe fits!
Have you ever wondered what it might be like to meet royalty? To look over in admiration as you watch her expressions and wonder what she will say? How delicate and effortless would her gestures be? What jewelry did she chose to adorn her fair silky skin with? Is the fragrance you smell rare myrh?
In the past three years I went through a very painful divorce and I have had a long time of being alone and having time to wonder about a lot of things. Time to wonder about my worth as a woman. These walls that suggest home …a quietness that was quick to remind me when I look through the veil of darkness my eyelids provide and listen to the stillness of this home …the betrayal and neglect of a man and why I was left with my own thoughts. Why I was left with my own strength? Left to determine my reality that cannot be compared to the dreams I hold on tightly to… in the deepest part of me. I am locked away out of sight of anyone who would elevate me, who would defend me, who would rescue me. Sincerely and with the love my King has placed in me his daughter. "The daughter of the King of Kings." I sat quietly with my eyes closed I entered into his chambers. He told me that the fragrance he poured over me and the garments that he clothed me with… even the mantle he places on me … all of this is for a King. He told me because I was his daughter … I am royalty. One day I was at this Gazebo right off the water. I had my classical music playing softly through my earphones. I must of drawn more air in my lungs that day then I had in a life time because all my senses were delighting in my surroundings. I was certain the two swans that flew and landed in the water was for me. That my King was showing off and in his display the sunlight danced on the water like thousands of diamonds. It was breath taking. Weeks before I had come to this gazebo for the first time as a place of refuge. I was very upset and I was crying out to God. I pleaded with him please God don't let this world be the one to define me. You define me Jesus. You tell me who I am to you. Just as I said that I looked down and in the dirt and grass was a little rubber word that said princess.
I sat in that gazebo crying. Remembering the words he told me that I was his daughter… royalty. I was determined to stay there till I believed it. Well here I was again. Sitting at this Gazebo and trying to grasp onto the idea of me being a princess. It was easier to believe it as I saw my King lay out his treasures in front of me. Diamonds that reflected the light & glory of a God. A display that embraced me and loved me right where I was at. Right before getting to the Gazebo that day I bought a book by Angela Thomas called, "Do you think I'm beautiful?" When I was purchasing the book a man smiled at me and said yes. I looked over and said, "excuse me?" He said, "yes I think you're beautiful." I blushed and I realized how silly it must look buying a book with such a title. The title drew me in for a closer look. But the back of the book was what carried it to the check out stand for purchase. It reads …Little girls know about Cinderella – about her breathtaking beauty, about Prince charming, about a magical destiny called "Happily ever after." And inside every woman is a little girl who secretly aches for a fairy Godmother to wave a wand and transform her into the princess she has always longed to be. To make her beautiful, captivating, Adored. But we've learned the fairy tales are not real, and so we squelch our precious gifts of longing and desire. We stop dressing up or anticipating the ball, deciding its better to stay home than to hope again and be disappointed. Besides, being asked to dance is not that important anyway. Oh but it is! In "Do you think I'm beautiful?" Angela Thomas invites you to awaken your passion and glimpse your deepest desires. To voice your longing to be loved with an ultimate love. And to fall into the embrace of the One who asks you to dance. I came home that night feeling and believing myself to be royalty. I went to the back of the closet and pulled out a dress I spent a fortune on for a fancy fund raiser years ago. Let's just say this dress is fit for a queen. It is a form fitting golden dress that flows to the floor. I lit candles, turned on my favorite song called, "I want to be your sanctuary." I dolled up my make up and pulled up my hair and danced for my God.
9 Daughters of kings are among your honored women; at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.10 Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house.11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.12 The Daughter of Tyre will come with a gift, men of wealth will seek your favor.13 All glorious is the princess within her chamber ; her gown is interwoven with gold.14 In embroidered garments she is led to the king; her virgin companions follow her and are brought to you.15 They are led in with joy and gladness; they enter the palace of the king.16 Your sons will take the place of your fathers; you will make them princes throughout the land.17 I will perpetuate your memory through all generations; therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever.
For my King
this glass shoe fits!
I want my glass slipper back
I WANT MY GLASS SLIPPER BACK!
You know Cinderella was the outcast of the family even though in reality she was the true heir to what her father had. At her lowest point, a fairy godmother came and granted her a desire to go to the palace ball to meet Prince Charming, but at an appointed time she had to leave because life was going to return to normal.
The lost of the glass slipper. Cinderella lost the slipper but the Prince found it. He was on a mission to find the woman whose foot fit that slipper. Not one woman could fit it except the least of the women in the country. The poor, hidden Cinderella, whom we later see became the Queen. Her dreams finally was fulfilled. Well LIVI that was cute..but what is your point…You ask? Its ok im used to questions. I want you to know that many times the enemy wants us to think that life has passed us by. We are mistreated by love ones in relationships and its like we left in ashes. Our hearts ache and we lose hope. Everyone else around us is enjoying life and we rightly deserve to as well. WELL YOU DO HAVE A RIGHT! Your Master and Father left you an inheritance and its yours. In that inheritance is your ministry, your calling, your family, your mate! HELLO YOUR MATE! The enemy will try all he can to keep you both apart because he wants you to be lonely and hidden away from the world. GOD did not put us here to be miserable and alone. That's a lie from hell. Even animals have mates. SO please unless you called to celibacy. We designed to have a companion and nothing wrong with desiring one. Well God will send people on your path believe it or not that will prepare you for that special person, NOPE they wont come and say..HEY IM IN YOUR LIFE SO YOU CAN MEET YOUR MAN/WOMAN, but GOD has a divine plan set that the purpose in of that person in you life will prepare you for the divine meeting. Ask Esther and Ruth. They weren't looking but they were found, by being in place and connected to the right people to put them on to their path of destiny. AMEN! Well all these things happen in a season of time. God's time. But let me tell you something my brothers and sisters. Cinderella lost one slipper but the other was on her foot. So you may think you lost it all, but you have not. You have not lost your heart to anyone. You have not lost your identity. The thing that you feel is your breaking is your making. YOUR BREAKING IS YOUR MAKING. The very thing that you feel you have lost will be what that person may use to find you..HOLLA SOMEBODY! Your heart will be what leds that person to you..Why and how is that? Whats in the heart comes out and defines who you are. If you have a heart that seeks to please GOD, regardless if part of that was left on JONES STREET with MR X. you still have a heart. You see my point. You never lose it all. Who you are will draw that special person to you. Can't no other woman or man fit the bill that GOD has imparted in that special person in seeking you out. Stop thinking someone else will get them..How if GOD has put "You" in their spirit? THE SHOE NOT GONNA FIT! Now they may try all the others (pray not many) Im saying, they may be involved with SALLY SUE or JOE KOOL, but they don't fit the bill, don't you know that person designed for you..will find you?? You will know them as well…IF..if. IF YOU WALKING IN THE WILL OF GOD! I gotta go there..now if you suppose to be at STREET Z and GOD told you that and you all over at STREET A then you may miss out for good or set your own self up. You see my point. Stay on the path GOD HAS for you..HE is the MAKER of the road map, glass slipper or whatever that will led to you. ITS NOT GOD holding us up from happiness, its about being in place to receive whom He has for us. WE THE ONES..NOT HIM. Cinderella had already cleaned house..There goes some revelation right there..BE CLEANING YOUR HOUSE UP….get the junk out…GOD aint sending no TRASH MAN or GARBAGE WOMAN to clean your emotional, spiritual, physical mess. HE/SHE is of the ROYAL PRIESTHOOD! LADIES gotta talk to my girls WHEN THE PRINCE COMES KNOCKING. IS YOUR HOUSE GOING TO BE CLEAN?. IF SO….GET READY..cuz SOME SHOES READY BE PUT ON THE RIGHT FOOT! GET READY!! GET READY!! DESTINY IS COMING TO THE DOOR!
For my King
this glass shoe fits! Perception is not realityThe lions may roar and growl, yet the teeth of the great lions are broken. - Job 4:10
Beauty in pain?Beauty in pain? Reposted from sisters myspace ... Lisa wrote
As I close this day and head up to bed, the pictures and the words have left me with this question, Can I see the beauty in this Mothers pain? What will others see in me as I walk through my journey of pain? Can I find beauty in the midst of my pain? My thoughts went to a day when...I was praying over a situation that brought great sorrow and grief , then I heard these words.... Lisa, broken hearts bring brokenness, wounded hearts bring wounds, will you stay in this broken and wounded journey or will you let me heal your broken and wounded heart. Huhhh???? was my response, because I knew my Heavenly Father was speaking to me, reminding me of "His Ability" to bring healing to this situation in my heart, but I wanted validation! I wanted to defend my rights! The oxy moron however was "what I wanted" He was bringing to me (healing and wholeness), but my ways were taking it away from me. I knew He was saying, don't try to do this on your own, invite me in, sooooooo....I was challenged to once again trust Jesus with the broken pieces of my heart and a gentle warning that my broken and wounded heart would bring brokenness and wounds to those around me if left unchecked. My hope and prayer is that the beauty will not be hidden behind the pain bringing brokenness or woundedness into the lives of others and an answer to this question will be revealed, "Will My Broken Heart Ever Be Whole Again?"
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As I have scrolled through the pages of the internet, I hear and see the reality of people and the painful things in life. You dont have to look far to find comments, some subtle, some very blantant. I landed on the top blog story of a baby boy Kayleb fighting for his life due to shaking baby syndrome. The Mother has chosen to share the daily journey as onlookers can see this families journey of pain.
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